The time someone got mad at me and I didn’t go down the spiral of shame and beating myself up

How uncomfortable do you get with people being upset with you? How much do you feel like it’s your responsibility to “fix” the situation and make them happy? How often when someone is upset do you end up beating yourself up and feeling really bad about yourself because of it? And, on the flipside of this coin when someone gets upset with you how quickly do you go on defense trying to justify yourself? Do you get angry or defensive when people speak their truth and share why their upset?

I know for most of my life I avoided confrontation and upsetting people like the plague. I hated it. It was so uncomfortable and it would always end up one of two ways- either I would bend over backwards to fix it, worrying that they would hate me forever if I didn’t OR I would get defensive, “how dare they say,” feeling the need to protect and prove that I wasn’t a bad person.

Either way it went, I would feel like crap. I would ruminate about it for days and a heaviness would sit in my body as my nervous system struggled to let it go.

It sucked!

And, the truth is the reason why we either go on fix it mode or defense is because of our not enoughness. The belief that we’re not good enough. When someone gets upset at us it immediately triggers that deepest core belief that I believe 99% of us have that we’re not enough, we’re bad, somethings wrong with us. And so, we either try to fix it, make them happy, show that we are good, show that we are worthy because we can bend over backwards to make them happy again or we try and protect ourselves by judging them, making them bad, so as not to have to face that fact that our not enoughness has just been triggered.

But, what-if you didn’t have to do either? What if you loved yourself enough, knew your worth enough that you could hold space for someone else's feelings (even if they were projecting their own stuff onto you) without going down the spiral of self blame and protection? What if you could hear them out, own what was yours, apologize if appropriate, and then let it go? Walking away and not thinking about it again?

Doesn’t that sound amazing?

I knew I had hit a huge milestone of my self love and acceptance journey when I easily did just that.

Here’s what happened:

A friend reached out to me a few days after hanging out and let me know that something I had done had really upset her. She came across quite aggressively and was making a few accusations about me that weren’t true. I noticed that my nervous system immediately went on high alert and I wanted to go into defense to fight back against what she had assumed about me in this exchange. But, instead of reacting immediately, I was able to take a step back and look at the situation from a greater perspective. I was able to see that I had made a mistake and could sincerely apologize for that AND that I didn’t need to justify myself, defend myself, or take her interpretation of my intent as truth about me. I was able to separate her perception of the exchange and how she perceived me, and my intention with what was true in my heart and what I know about myself.

I didn’t need to start a fight with her to prove that my intentions weren’t malicious or bad. I didn’t need to point out her flaws or push the blame on her. I didn’t need to call up all my other friends and hash it out and get them to side with me to feel validated and prove I was likeable and a good person. I didn’t hold onto it for days going over the conversation over and over again and thinking of all the things I could have said, all the reasons why she’s not a good friend anyway. I didn’t go into judging her, and putting her down to make myself feel better. I didn’t text her over and over again to make sure she was okay, and did she still like me, were we good, is there anything else I could do to let her know how sorry I was. (I used to do all these things to try and make myself feel better)

Instead, I appreciated her for being honest with me about how she felt. I took responsibility for the mistake I made and I sincerely apologized. I didn’t hold onto the perceptions she had about me because they weren’t true. And, then I let the whole conversation go.

It was so simple. It was so easy.

When you love yourself, truly love yourself, you no longer feel the need to justify or defend yourself to prove your worth, you no longer need to bend over backwards to make someone else feel better because you’re afraid of not being liked.

You get to just be. You can hold space for other people’s feelings without attaching any story about what it means about you.

This is what a confident and self-loving woman looks like.

The opportunity here for you is to notice the next time someone gets upset at you, what your immediate response is.

Do you go on the defense?

Do you try and bend over backwards to fix it?

Does your nervous system go into overdrive?

Is it hard for you to let it go?

What are the stories you tell yourself about yourself when someone gets upset with you?

Get curious if you’re trying to prove or hustle for love and acceptance? Can you give yourself the love and acceptance you desire so you no longer go down the spiral of shame and beating yourself up when your “not enoughness” is triggered?

p.s. I have an exciting, new FREE offer that will support you in shifting 7 of the biggest blocks to your freedom.

Tapping into Freedom, is a FREE 7 day journey to radical self-love, acceptance, confidence, and your freedom.

CLICK HERE NOW TO SIGN UP and receive 7 pre-recorded tapping videos that will support you in recoding and reprograming your mind and body so that you can experience more ease, peace, love, forgiveness, and joy in your life!

I can't believe this is happening again

Have you ever said that to yourself... "why's this happening again?"

Why do I keep attracting toxic partners?

The wrong kind of person?

Mean bosses?

Friends that end up making me feel like crap?

Money that keeps going out as soon as it comes?

Why is my life always so hard?

What do I keep struggling?

Why am I so unlucky?

I SO get it because I used to think a lot of those same things too and so many more. I bet you've read all the books, listened to the podcasts, watched the Ted talks and Youtube clips. You're doing the yoga and meditation. So, why do you keep experiencing the same old things over and over again?

Here's the deal.... until you uncover the old programming and beliefs that are living underneath the surface, in your subconscious mind, and do the work to reprogram them, you will continue to see the same patterns play out again and again in your life.

No matter how many books you read, podcasts you listen to, or Ted talks you watch, nothing will change until you start to dive deep and do the work.

Well, that's not totally true.... you will probably experience a little bit of a shift. At the beginning of my journey, when I finally hit a point where I knew something had to change because I was feeling so lost, so empty, when I had completely lost myself I began to explore in earnest yoga and meditation. I began reading all the books, and following some amazing spiritual teachers, and I did experience shifts. I did start to feel a little bit better. I started to feel a little bit lighter. I began to be able to respond to my circumstance better rather then always be in reaction. I began to decrease my anxiety and stress levels. And, all of those things were so amazing and an absolute shift in the right direction. But, I was still feeling lost. My relationship to my husband was still not great. I still didn't believe or see myself ever being able to do anything other then the administrative, low level jobs I had done. I was still searching for more meaning and purpose in my life. I was still searching for a deep, lasting joy.

Want to know why?

Here's why..... (there's 2 main parts to this answer)

1.

No amount of reading, listening, and watching of spiritual truths will ever create the change you desire. You actually have to integrate and implement the teachings to see the differences. I spent a few too many years (I must confess) reading all of these books like novels, thinking, "yes, yes, this all makes sense. I totally believe this! I totally resonate with this!" And, then I would put the book down and do nothing about it. Sound familiar? If you want to experience positive shifts in your life you have to actually do the work!

2. 

Which brings me to the next point... as soon as I started doing the deep work, that's when my life began to really change. To really create changes in your life you have to start changing the subconscious beliefs that have been directing your life forever. This is the work!! And, it all starts with awareness. It all starts with paying attention to your thoughts. What are the stories that you tell yourself day in and day out? What are the beliefs that are running through your mind just below the surface all day long. 

Some of mine were, "I'm just not smart enough to be really successful. It's better to be practical and comfortable then to take risks and maybe fail. Money is hard and I've never made good money so I never will. Making friends is hard. I'm just not interesting enough or have enough to contribute to attract friends. I don't want to look stupid or be judged so I'd rather hangout in the background and not say much. If I speak up, I'll sound dumb. Life is hard. I should just be grateful for what I have. I'm selfish for wanting more. Settling is safe."

Any of those sound familiar? 

So, no wonder I was stuck in a job I hated, struggled to make friends that I felt really saw me or liked me, couldn't support myself financially, was quiet, unsatisfied, unhappy, and full of self-doubt and fear. But, when I started to look at those stories and create new empowering stories that's when my life really changed! That's when I took a huge risk and bet on me and left all the jobs and decided to be a coach (which was the best decision ever), that's when I began my self-love journey and started showing up in life as my real, authentic self and effortlessly attracted in the most amazing friends who really got me (duh, I was actually letting them see me), that's when I started to dream big and make the dreams a reality!

So, I'm willing to bet that you have your fair share of beliefs running the show of your life that are responsible for those same damn patterns showing up again an again.

If you're ready to create your best life now then I invite you to start getting really familiar with the stories or beliefs that have been steering the ship thus far. Take back your power. Let me share this really easy tip that I have all my clients do right away that will support you in uncovering these stories.

Set a timer on your phone for every hour or two. It can have a simple message like, "how am I feeling? What are my thoughts?"

And, just become the non judgmental observer. Practice noticing with so much love and compassion for yourself as you become witness to your stories. No need to add blame and judgment on top of it!

This is the first step, Awareness. You can't change what you're not aware of.

Gaining the awareness is key and once you're aware you get the awesome opportunity of releasing and creating new self-loving and empowering stories to replace those worn out ones (more on that step coming soon!). 

Let me know how this supports you. Comment below and tell what stories and beliefs are you ready to let go? ​

so much love to you,

Shaina

​p.s. I have an exciting FREE offer that will support you in shifting 7 of the biggest blocks to your freedom.

Tapping into Freedom, is a FREE 7 day journey to radical self-love, acceptance, confidence, and your freedom.

CLICK HERE NOW TO SIGN UP!

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You Can't Become What You Want By Remaining What You Are

How many times have you found that you really want to attract something into your life and it just isn’t happening?

You feel like you are doing all the right things- affirmations, positive thoughts, visualizations, doing your best to feel as good as you can, but you aren’t seeing any results for your efforts.

I came across this quote recently that really sums up the issue, 

“we can’t become what we want by remaining what we are.”

The problem is that underneath all your positive intentions and efforts you still have underlying, subconscious stories, beliefs, and programming that are keeping you from truly being in alignment with what you desire to attract into your life.

By the time we are in our mid-life, we are basically living on auto-pilot. Our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors have become completely habitual, they have become subconsciously programmed within us.  And, this programming is based on old stories, memories, and experiences which affect the decisions you make and how you see and interact with the world. 

So, you have to transcend your old ways of being, thinking, acting, feeling in order to have a new experience.  You can’t be the same person you are now, running the same stories and habitual ways of being and expect something new to happen.

Like the old saying goes, “ you can’t do the same things over and over again and expect a different result.  That’s the definition of insanity.”

I was thinking about how these old stories have been playing out and affecting my life and a story that has been on repeat for the last 20 years of my life has been “I’m not smart enough.” I have been telling myself this same story since I was a teenager and in fact this story is what kept me from going to college for 8 years, it has kept me quiet in social situations for fear that I would say the wrong thing or sound stupid, it has stopped me from speaking out at work and sharing my ideas because why would I think my ideas were better or worth hearing compared to all those other smarter people in the room. 

And, what’s interesting is that in my mid-20’s I did end up going to college and I got a 4.0 the whole way through and STILL my story story didn’t change. That story of ‘I’m not smart enough’ was so ingrained in my subconscious that I couldn’t see any evidence to the contrary even when it was right in front of my face.  

That’s the way our brains work. It will look for evidence in our environment that supports our stories~ the programs that have been running our lives. So, graduating from college with a 4.0 was completely overlooked because it didn’t support my story, but every time I fumbled over my words, didn’t know what to say, or didn’t have the right answer, my subconscious sure did notice that. It’s noticed it because it reconfirmed and supported the story I held so deeply. 

Marianne Williamson says, “the stories we tell ourselves are the experiences we live.”

The stories we tell ourselves are the experiences we live because our brain will continue to find evidence to prove that story true. So, our reality becomes the playbook of these stories.  Whether the story you are telling yourself is that no one supports you, there are no good men left, you are just unlucky, bad stuff always happens to you, you’re not important, that will be your experience because you are viewing the world through that lens. 

I had a real ‘a-ha’ moment when I started on this entrepreneurial journey and became a spiritual mindset coach.  I knew that there was no way I was going to be successful if I held onto this old, worn out story about myself. I couldn’t remain the version of myself who believed I wasn’t smart enough. 

You see, if your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are not in alignment then what you desire will not come to fruition. Your subconscious beliefs are stronger than your thoughts, they are more ingrained, they will override all the good intentioned thoughts you have in relation to your desires. 

I knew that I had to decide to be a new version of myself. I had to change the story and live into an updated, expanded version of me that truly believed I was smart enough. And, when I did “boom” I gained more and more momentum in my business, I attracted the right clients and those clients were getting amazing results.  The more and more I experienced these things that supported my new story that I am smart enough, the stronger the belief became. 

When I chose to become the woman who believed I was smart enough and believed in my success, and did the deep work to let go of the old story and flip the script to this new story, my whole reality shifted to support that new belief. I now view the world from this updated, more empowered version of me and the world responds in turn.

Amazing!

But, it all starts with you. You have to uncover the stories and you have to decide to flip the script.  You have to decide to become an updated, more empowered, more self-loving version of yourself. And, then you have to do the work.

So, here are my questions to you and I would love to hear your answers. You can reply back to this email.

1. What stories are you telling yourself about yourself that are keeping you stuck?

2. What stories are you ready to break up with?

3. What’s going to be your new story? 

4. Who’s the new, expanded version of yourself going to be? 

5. Who are you ready to become so that you can attract in all that you desire? Declare it now!

This is such a powerful exercise to gain awareness on the subconscious blocks you have so that you can make lasting and massive shifts in your life. Take your power back, live your truth, and create a life you love. 

And, I would love to support you in this journey!  If you are interested in learning more about working with me 1 on 1 reply to this email.  I can’t wait to hear from you!