No, I got to choose how I let it define me. I got to rewrite the ending of my story…
I got to see the struggles and the traumas that I have been through as gifts. They have allowed me to be strong, resilient, compassionate, and passionate about supporting others who I know have suffered too. They have brought me to my calling of supporting others to no longer be victims to their past and their stories so that they can truly reclaim their lives and themselves again from a place of true compassion and understanding.
This is the first part of owning your story-- acknowledging it and writing it down. There is power in writing. When we put pen to paper and write our truth we start to take some of OUR power back. It’s when we hold it in, hide it, let it fester, that these stories end up controlling our lives.
How much of your story is fact and how much have you created for yourself? What parts of your story are you allowing to define you? The shame comes not by the truth of our past, but by the meaning we’ve created about it.
It’s a fact that my mom left me when I was a baby because she was addicted to heroin and couldn’t take care of me.
The meaning I created was that because of that I am unlovable, unworthy, and deeply damaged.
Do you see how we do that? We are always trying to make meaning of the things that have happened during our lives and we often come to the conclusion that we’re the reason bad things happened. We take it personally, and use the facts to define ourselves in a negative way.
It’s about time to kick the 'good girl' to the curb!
As women we have been conditioned from a very young age to be 'good girls'. And, being a “good girl” means you’re meek, quiet, reserved, polite, giving of yourself, you do what you’re told, you’re nice, selfless, and don’t take up too much space.
How dare the good girl be loud and bold.
How dare the good girl claim her desires and dreams with passion and enthusiasm.
How dare the good girl outshine anyone.
How dare the good girl put herself first.
Women, as a collective, have been shamed for far too long for pushing against the confines of the good girl box we have been shoved into for millennium.
And, it’s my mission to lead a revolution of women in taking back their power, reclaiming their lives, and unapologetically stepping into who they truly are with confidence.
It’s time to break out of the box!
So, Let me ask you…
If you weren’t afraid of what other people would think, say, or do what would you do?
How are you pleasing others and playing the role of 'good girl' in your life?
It’s time to let go of the forced confines of the “good girl” identity! It’s time to boldly let go of anyone else’s opinions, or what they might think or say about you and proudly own who you are and what you want from life!
So, if you’re ready here are 3 ways to kick the 'good girl' to the curb and take back your power!
Don’t Dim Your Light For Anyone
We tend to not want to shine too brightly in fear that we might make someone else feel bad. F that! I actually did experience this in my own life when a friend became really uncomfortable with my personal growth and expansion and the fact that I was taking big actions towards my dreams. And, instead of shrinking back down to ease her discomfort, I lovingly held space for her to share her feelings about it. I let her have her feelings without making it my responsibility to make her feel better. I didn’t allow myself to feel shame or guilt because my bigness was making her feel uncomfortable and here’s why. Because I was living big and taking huge leaps to follow my dreams and desires, I helped shine a light on her own complacency and dissatisfaction in her own life, and although that was uncomfortable for her, it also allowed her to see what was possible. It gave her permission and inspiration to make her own big changes, which she did! Had I shrunk down in order for her to not have to confront her own dissatisfaction it would have been a HUGE disservice to both of us.
Own What You Want Loudly and Proudly
This is your one life in this human form! You came here to experience life to the fullest. You came here to live big, feel tremendous joy, and create a beautiful life, so own it! I was talking to a woman today who’s a part of my monthly women’s group and she shared with me that she felt embarrassed in our last group when she spoke passionately about her biggest desire. She felt like it wasn’t okay to be proud or passionate about something. It wasn’t okay to take up space in that way. Women are supposed to live quietly, satisfied with their lot in life, and tending to the needs of others. I call bs on all of that! Own what you want! Be an example to all the other women in the world who have desires, but are too afraid to speak them out loud. Let them see what is possible! You are worthy and deserving of all that you desire and it’s okay to have desires! It’s okay to be passionate about life and what you want. Own it!
No More People Pleasing
It’s time to stop taking care of everyone else’s needs, putting everyone else first, and god forbid we make someone upset with us or think badly about us for not doing what they want. We’ve been so indoctrinated to please, please, please. But, if our cup isn’t full, how can we possibly serve those around us? What it will end up doing is breeding resentment and animosity for the people who seem to take, take, take. But, girl you have to stop giving, giving, giving. Stop giving if it means sacrificing yourself and depleting yourself. And, understand, people pleasing really stems from a place of fear- fear of not being liked, fear of being judged, fear of being rejected. We are hardwired for connection and belonging, but it seems that somewhere along the way we have mistaken that by pleasing others it means we’ll be liked. And, being liked isn’t the goal! Being liked doesn’t create connection and true belonging. Being seen does! And, if you’re a people pleaser you’re not truly being seen.
I would love to hear from you, let me know how the 'good girl' shows up in your life? Tell me what you would do, if you weren't afraid of what other people would think, say, or feel about your deepest desires?
with so much love to you,
Shaina
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Why You Don't Have the Life You Desire and How to Change it
You desperately want to make a change in your life. You’re feeling stuck. You’re feeling like something is missing. You are yearning to experience more from life. You are yearning for something that will make you feel alive again. Maybe it’s a job that lights you up and you’re excited to go to everyday. Maybe it’s connection and belonging and you want to be able to walk into a room feeling so confident and proud of who you are that you show up big, vibrant, and don’t have a care about what anyone thinks of you. Maybe it’s following a dream, your purpose, that you know if you did, it would completely transform your life.
But, something keeps getting in the way. Something stops you in your tracks from taking the leap into that big dream, that new career, or stepping further in owning who you are with confidence. Want to guess what it is…..?
FEAR!
That’s right, fear is the reason you don’t have the life you desire. Fear creates paralysis. What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough? What if they judge me? What if they reject me? What if I am totally humiliated? Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one who has heard these gremlins in my head a many a times. We all have that voice in our head that so “lovingly” tries to keep us safe by ensuring us that we are too dumb, too old, too young, too lame, too something terrible to step outside our comfort zone. To step into the life we most desire.
It’s okay. You’re not alone. It’s your subconscious’s way of trying to keep you safe. Fear is totally normal AND it doesn’t have to be in control. I let fear run the show for almost 2 decades. It stopped me from even trying to become a masseuse after going through massage school. My gremlin told me it was way too dangerous and scary to apply to a job and have to be critiqued by the owner. I would fail. They would reject me and I would have confirmation that I was not good enough. I really enjoyed massage. I spent 9 months and a good chunk of money becoming certified and fear stopped me from doing anything with that. Fear has stopped me most of my adult life from showing up fully in relationships because what if they saw the real me and knew that I was damaged and didn’t want to be my friend. I’ve craved connection and belonging my whole adult life and fear has kept me from actually experiencing it because here’s the deal, you have to be brave enough to be seen in order to experience true belonging and connection. My fear of not being good enough kept me separate from the belonging I longed for most of my life.
But, here’s what happens when you don’t let fear take the reins anymore. After 4 years of being too afraid to listen to the little voice inside of me that was saying I was meant to do more in this world, that I was meant to make a big impact, I finally listened to that voice. I’d spent 4 years ignoring it because I couldn’t even fathom a possibility where that was a reality for me. I was comfortable in my mediocre admin job, living a mediocre life, and I couldn’t envision myself stepping into myself and my life in such a big way. But, when I decided to listen to that voice, and not only that, speak what that voice was whispering to me out loud and into the world (even though I was terrified to do so), Boom!! My life changed. In less than a year, my life has become what I didn’t think was possible. I left that mediocre job, I let go of my side hustles (all but one really small one that I really enjoy), I became a life coach, went through a business program, and am currently seeing a good amount of clients, and being paid for it! And, I have attracted the most amazing women into my life and deepened the relationships I already had. Because I DECIDED to acknowledge the fear, and do it anyways! I had to let go of my fear of judgment, my fear of not being good enough, my fear of failure, and put faith in me, who I wanted to become, and the life I wanted to create for myself. And, that doesn’t mean that the fear isn’t there anymore, but what it means is that the fear is not in control anymore. I get to choose who’s in the driver’s seat and I always choose me! Every time I come up against another opportunity to expand, to step out of my comfort zone, to grow, I feel the fear and I choose to take action anyways. That’s the beauty of it, you get to choose, you are responsible for the life you want to live and fear does not have to stop you!
This is the path to a Life Reclaimed. And, I am so excited for my new group program coming out in early 2020, Her Life Reclaimed where I will guide an amazing group of women who are ready to Reclaim Their Life, own their power, step into their truth, feel the most confident they have ever felt, and create a life they love. It is going to be epic and so much fun!!!
But, I digress, let me give you these 5 tools you can use when fear comes up so that you can take your power back and have the confidence to move forward toward what you most desire.
Name The Fear
When you are able to name the fear it loses some of its power. So, notice when it comes up and name it. Is it a fear of failure? Is it a fear of judgment? Is it a fear of not being good enough? Not being worthy enough? Is it a fear of rejection? Awareness is the foundation of any transformational work. You need to know what’s there because that is what allows you the ability to do the work to transcend it.
Question The Fear
Start to get a better understanding of why the fear is there. Pull out your journal and a pen and ask yourself, when did I first feel this fear? When is the earliest memory I have of feeling this fear? When did I first decide this was true? What stories am I telling myself about myself that keeps me in this place of fear?
Release and Reprogram
Once you are able to name the fear and identify some it’s origins it’s time to release and reprogram. I work with my clients using EFT and Matrix Reimprinting to get to the core of the subconscious belief so we can release the emotional trauma and energy and reimprint a new empowering belief in its place. This work is deep and transformational, it creates shifts at a fundamental, subconscious level that allows them to step into a newer more empowered version of themselves that no longer is bound by their fear and limiting beliefs. So, whether you work with me, another coach, or have your own tools and modalities, you will want to release and reprogram the fear and limiting beliefs underneath them. If you are interested in learning more about how to work with me to release and reprogram using EFT and Matrix Reimprinting just comment below.
Take Empowered Action
The biggest antidote to fear is action. Fear can keep you stuck in your tracks forever, but all it takes is one small step forward and then another and another to move through fear and gain confidence. You see, once we start to take action we immediately feel proud, empowered, and more confident. You proved to yourself that you can do it AND you didn’t die! And, everytime you feel the fear and take action anyway you build up more and more evidence that you can continue to look back on that proves that you have done it before, you survived and actually felt empowered and more confident on the other side. And, here are a few questions you can ask yourself that can help you move into action. Who am I without this fear? What choices would I make if the fear wasn’t there? What would my life look like without this fear? What will I lose if I let this fear stop me from moving forward? These are incredibly powerful questions to help you identify with a version of yourself that is beyond the fear so that you can take action from that place.
The “What If” Game
This is a super fun and playful game that takes your fear and flips the script. So, if your about to walk into a room and you’re feeling nervous and not sure what you are going to say (anyone really uncomfortable with small talk!) and you’re thinking, “what if they judge me? What if I don’t know what to say?” with the “What If” game you just flip the script and build yourself up, and instead you think to yourself, “what if I walk in and have the best time ever. What if I make conversation really easily and everyone loves me. What if I didn’t worry about what or who I talk to, but just go have fun. What if I show up completely, 100% my authentic self and don’t give an F what anyone thinks and just has a great time!” You can go on and on. See, how fun it is. Get creative, be your biggest cheerleader and turn your negative, fear based “what ifs” into your most empowered, confidence producing, fun, and playful “what ifs.” Go ahead and try this the next time you find yourself feeling the fear and wanting to get small and not take action, play the what if game and then take empowered action!
So, I hope my story and these tools have inspired you to take your power back and not let fear have the reigns in your life. You deserve to live a life you love and be the most empowered, confident, and joyful version of yourself. And, let me tell you so much of creating that life and that version of you comes on the other side of your fear. These are a few of the tools I use with my clients to help them Reclaim Their Lives, if you are ready or interested in learning more about coaching with me you can comment below. I would love to chat. I only have 2 spots open in January and I would be so honored to walk alongside you as you journey the path of your Life Reclaimed!
So much love,
Shaina
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