You may or may not have noticed that I have been pretty much MIA for the past 3 months. Part of me wants to begin this email with an apology for not showing up, but I will refrain because the truth is that my decision to switch my focus and take a break from my business did not come lightly. And, I will not apologize for stepping away because the decision to do so came from my heart, it came from a deep listening to what I needed, what my family needed, and what felt the most nourishing and true to me in that moment.
So, I come back to you proud, restored, rejuvenated, and with so much fire in my belly to continue to embody and teach what it means when as women, we truly prioritize ourselves, our soul’s whispers, our needs, and our joy and well-being.
But, let me backtrack a bit and share my process. Three months ago I found myself not only juggling being a mother and an entrepreneur, but also a 3rd grade teacher. With a daughter who struggles in school and needs extra support I quickly realized that trying to continue to be in my business and show up for my amazing community and be there for my daughter in the way she needed me during distance learning wasn’t working.
I noticed that showing up online and in my business started to feel really stressful. I noticed that I was feeling resentful that my daughter was taking so much of my time and was irritable and grumpy with her when she needed me. It felt awful. I didn’t know how to manage her needs and the needs of my business simultaneously and she was getting the brunt of my struggle.
For awhile, I thought that what I wanted was to stay connected to my business, stay connected to my community because I feel such a deep purpose and joy in what I do and I was desperately trying to hang onto that while also managing all the other new needs of me.
But, the deeper I dug (and pay attention here because this is key) the more I realized that what I thought was my desire to remain in my business was actually driven by fear. When I really took the time to dive deep within myself- to get curious about what was really going on, to slow down and ask the questions “what do I really want? What would feel the most nourishing and joyful to my soul right now?” what I found surprised me.
What I really wanted was to be with my daughter. What I really wanted was to support her in the best way I could while she was in distance learning. So, why was I resisting that? Why did I keep striving to stay in my business if it was causing so much stress?
Fear!
What I found to be true when I dove deep within myself is that if I let go of my business, if I stopped showing up then I had failed. What if I let it go for good? What if I lost all the momentum of what I had been creating for the past 2 years? What if my community forgot about me? What if they no longer trusted me because I didn’t show up all the time. If I let it go for now then I would be reaffirming that same old story that I didn’t follow through. That I start and don’t finish things. So, in my mind there was too much at stake if I let it all go. I would be a failure. I would lose everything I created. My family would be disappointed in me that I didn’t follow through on what I said I wanted. I would be a bad role model (and mother) for my daughter if she saw me give up.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!! How interesting. How very, very interesting! Where did I get all of those ideas? Because business coaches tell you you have to show up consistently or you’ll never be successful. Because of a story I told myself in the past that I don’t follow through. Because of some made up belief I created that the only way I could be a good mom and role model to my daughter is if she saw me succeed at this one thing. And, if I let this part of my life go for the time being then I was a failure. Wow!
No wonder I was holding on for dear life. No wonder I was trying to force myself to stick to it even though it was making me miserable and not allowing me to support my daughter in the way she needed and the way I wanted to show up for her.
I know this example I’m sharing is about my business so you may not relate to it very much, but can you see how this happens in every area of our life?
I have to keep going to the gym every morning because if I don’t I will have failed, my husband won’t think I’m sexy and attractive, everyone will judge me for not following through because I said I was going to go everyday for the whole year, I will get fat and ugly, I will……
If I choose to go to yoga or a long walk instead of staying home to help with the kids then I’m being selfish, my kids will be upset I’m leaving, my husband will resent me for taking too much time to myself, my family needs me, I’m a bad mom/wife if I don’t do what they want/need me to do……
We do this to ourselves all the time!!!! We have let our fear lead the way rather than our heart and intuition. We have trusted fear and forced ourselves to keep going down a path that doesn’t feel good based on worn out stories of what it means if we don’t.
Well, this time I chose not to let fear lead the way and do what my heart wanted instead. I chose to walk away from my business temporarily and focus on my daughter because that is what I really wanted.
And, I am so glad I did! These last three months have been amazing with my daughter, they have given me exactly what I needed. And, now I am coming back to my community from a place of excitement, joy, passion, and play. I am coming back to you now not from a place of “have to” or “need to,” but from a place of desire. My heart has told me that it is now time to come back and it feels so good!!
Being able to let go, releasing all the fears, all the worries, all the what-if’s, all the stories, and having faith that when it was time to come back I would know, that when it was time to come back I would come back with clean energy, I would come back invigorated, renewed, and excited to reconnect.
And, because I let go and I trusted the process of life, that is exactly what happened!
So, I will leave you with this….
Is there any area of your life that you are forcing?
Is there any area of your life that you are experiencing as a “have to” or a “should?”
The opportunity here for you is to get curious. Why are you forcing? What makes you feel you have to? Where is the should coming from?
If you can de-story the old programming, if you can witness the fear, then you begin to take your power back. This is how you create more choice. When you blindly let fear lead the way you become a victim to your life. You feel like you don’t have a choice. But, when you get curious, when you start to look underneath the veil, you now have so much more information. You now have the opportunity to choose to stay in your fear or to choose a heart led life, to choose to trust the process of life and that you’re always being guided in the right direction when you follow what feels good.
Which will you choose…. fear or freedom?
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